Let me out

{November 6, 2011}   Things that are precious

So I woke up this morning to sirens near my house, and it got me thinking… What would you grab in the event of a fire as you evacuate?
Now let’s assume that all living things can find their own way out, so you don’t have to grab pets/spouses, children, etc. What are the things that are most precious to you?
For me it starts with clothes. Now don’t get me wrong – I’m no fashionista, but as I’m a bigger girl, it’s hard for me to find comfortable clothing that looks good at any sort of reasonable price. As such, the first place i go is my closet. Tossing everything I can in a laundry basket and then, if it’s my house on fire, leaving immediately… Provided my husband and the cat are out already, as previously stated.
Then if it’s the neighbour’s house on fire, not mine there are other priorities. I move to things I use on a daily basis that are not that easy to replace like my iPad, guitar and phone. I shudder to think how long I would have to work to get all my phone contacts back, and as for the iPad? I’m addicted. Also at this stage I would also grab my wedding photos (our photographer made us a beautiful custom album that I consider irreplaceable) and jewelry (I don’t have much in the way of expensive, but I do have a lot of sentimental).
After that, if we say it’s not the next-door neighbour, but two doors down? If there’s still time I go for my grandmother’s china, some things on the wall that are family heirlooms, my Celtic drum, and wedding mementos (hand-fasting ribbons, bouquet, etc.)
I had trouble with the next phase though. What if it’s a house down the block, and you haven’t been told to evacuate, but you feel for safety’s sake you should? What else do you take? I was stumped. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have way more stuff than that, but when weighed against personal safety, they lose. DVDs and books, piano and bulky computers? Not worth the risk.

So tell me. What would you save?

{October 30, 2011}   Nan

Let me tell you a little about Nan. She was my grandmother, and she was an awesome person. She was my hero, my friend, and the only person in my life I consistently made time for. So, when she had a stroke in April, it shook my whole world. She was an incredibly independent person who liked to do for herself whatever she could. She was 90 and lived on her own, mowed her own lawn, and took the time to make dinner for me once or twice a week.
Now some of you may wonder why I didn’t make dinner for her. It was because she liked taking care of me, or any guest that came to her house, so I let her. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let someone take care of you when you know they could really use your assistance. I did a lot of little things for her, taking out the garbage when they cancelled her curbside pickup and put in dumpsters at the end of the block and that sort of thing, but she liked to cook, and I think she enjoyed our time together as much as I did.
We started out just watching Dancing with the Stars, but then when the season was finished I just kept coming back. Granny was someone I could talk to about anything. We saw eye to eye on a lot of things, so politics and current events were always dinner topics, as we watched a lot of CNN in the evenings as well. We cheered as Obama won, groaned whenever Sarah Palin opened her mouth, and laughed hysterically when Jon Stewart or Bill Maher told it like it was. I learned so much about her and her life from those discussions. I even brought a journal a couple of times so that I could write down anecdotes and details from her life. I hope to one day be able to turn that into something more. I think she’d have liked that.
Nan died last month after spending several months in the hospital, and then the care home. I know she wasn’t happy in either of those places, unable to speak and hardly able to move after the stroke, but she was strong and she fought until the end. I know she loved me and I will be eternally grateful that I got the opportunity to get to know this tremendous person from my family tree, and with whom I hope to share more and more characteristics as I grow.
I love you Granny. You will be sorely missed. Rest in peace.

{October 20, 2011}   The proposal

When you see the man you love get down on one knee, you know your life is about to change. Drastically. So needless to say when it was my turn, I went deaf.
You see, I knew it was coming. Kevin had let slip that he had a ring, about a week or two before “the day”, and when he wanted to go out to dinner I knew that was it. So I orchestrated… Just a tiny bit. He asked what I wanted to do when we were done dinner, and I suggested a walk in the forest. I’ve always thought that forest was a really romantic setting. We went for a walk, and I finagled a stop on my favorite bridge, and then he started talking.
I’d love to tell you in detail what he said, but I can’t. You see, that is the moment I really knew that it was going to happen. For sure. No ifs, ands or buts. And it was as though all the voices in my head started shouting at once. “This is it!”, “He’s going to propose!”, “Are you sure you’re sure?”, “OMGZ THIS-IS-FOR-REALZ????”, and more all ran through my head in a split second, to which my brain replied, “Shhh, you’re missing it and it’s really sweet.” to which all the other voices promptly hushed, and it was.
He spoke of wanting to be partners, and living our lives together, and of course Love. He had so much to say, and I’m sad to say I don’t know most of what he said because I couldn’t hear him over the roar of the ocean in my ears.
As soon as I’d quieted the voices, and tuned in enough to know what he was saying, my pulse started to pound, and it was as though I could hear the ocean waves roaring in my ears. I’ve always loved that sound, it was the most peaceful thing I’d ever heard. That’s how I knew. This, was right. This, was what I’d been waiting for. He, was made for me.
So I said yes.

{October 20, 2011}   And I’m back… Again

This time it’s not entirely my fault that I’ve been away for so long. I swear. I got married, moved, put my house on the market and had a death in the family, all in the span of 4 months. I’ve been what they call “busy”.
Looking back, it was a crazy time, and I couldn’t have survived it without my village. I love you all, you know who you are. Thank you.

My life has made a permanent shift.

{April 3, 2011}   When visions shift

Things have changed. A lot. I am now dating Mr. Is-it-a-date-isn’t-it-a-date. We’ve been dating almost a year now. Still. Things are up in the air. I know what I want, and I don’t know what he wants. Does it always feel like this? Can someone tell me please?

In other news I started writing again, not that I’m going to post it here. At least not yet. I need time to… clean it out before I post anything, and by that I don’t mean clean up the language (although there is that too) I just mean I want to de-content it so it’s not identifiable. I’ve been writing my own biography… and it’s more intense than I thought.

I just thought before trying to write someone else’s story I should get mine out of the way. It seems to be working that way anyways. You’ll be seeing a lot more of me on here in the next while I think. I have some things to process, and this seems to help.

I’ve lived in the same town my whole life. Is that weird? There are people here who, literally, have known me my whole life. Seems strange. Everyone moves at some point, but I seem stuck. Like I can’t pass the level on the video game I’m playing that’ll let me move on. Ever feel stuck like that?

But now for the title. When visions shift. I get it, it makes no sense for what you’ve read so far, so why would I choose it? Well I’ve recently had a vision shift that changed my point of view… or at least I’m working hard to hold onto the shift, and subsequently the POV.
I’m a traditionalist. I want to get married and have kids. I’m 31, it’s about that time. My boyfriend also wants to get married… he’s not terribly sure about the kids thing, but he’s leaning for it not away from it, so that’s something.

So what’s the problem? ‘That’s what she said.’ – sorry, inside joke.
The problem is, he’s just… not ready? not the right time? not sure? I don’t know. I had it in my head when we first started dating that we would be getting engaged around new years and hitched on our one year anniversary (yes guys, girls actually think like this – some of us are planners, and can’t help it). Then, when that didn’t happen and we started to find some of our issues (me nitpicking to get him to talk) I started thinking we’d get engaged at our one year anniversary and get hitched in the fall (yes, again – totally my fault). None of this was really discussed with him, I had just decided that it was what we’d do. Now? Now I’m working without a net. We had a long talk (with a lot of tears on my part, as delayed dreams hurt) and I’ve decided to wait. Wait until he’s ready. No time frame, no ultimatums. Just patience. It’s hard.

My friends made fun of me last year for panicking on our trip to a larger city, because we didn’t have a map. “Map Girl” became my nickname, with good cause. I like to plan. I like to map things out, so I know where I’m headed next. This is completely unfamiliar territory for me. I hope to God he knows what he’s doing. Because at this point, my heart is on the line and I don’t know how I’ll deal with it if he decides this isn’t what he wants after all. Read the rest of this entry »

{March 10, 2010}   It’s a new day.

I had a lengthy discussion with a friend last night, who is teaching me to channel my inner crazy-maker. It was strange to hear another person’s perspective on my issues. I am, for lack of a better term, empathic. I pick up on other people’s emotions like a sponge. Releasing those emotions is frequently difficult/impossible. When he started showing me some techniques for decompressing, it felt a little like sitting down with Yoda (without the green, wrinkly muppet in the room). By the end of it I could breathe again. Now to replicate the experiment on my own so I can sleep. Wish me luck!

{March 7, 2010}   When people come to town

My best friend is here from out-of-town (I should say one of, I have 2). You know we’re best friends because of the following exchange as my cat jumps into her lap and makes herself at home:
Her – “Why does she like me?”
Me – “I really have no idea.”
Her – “Dude, awesome burn!”
Me – “I know, right?”
and then we laughed. She’s been my friend for most of my life (and I’m not exaggerating). This is how you know.

{March 6, 2010}   Early. Must have Coffee.

I have far too much to do today to be on here, and yet, here I am. I also am in desperate need of coffee/breakfast. But this seemed more important, or at least more fun. Now it is seeming less so. I’m off to find something, so please feel free to talk amongst yourselves. And FYI the time stamp is very wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it.

{March 5, 2010}   When it rains, it pours.

I stated earlier that (aside from last week’s maybe date) I haven’t been on a date in 5 years. It’s not that I intentionally took a break.. it’s just that there was no one who was interested, and conversely no one I was interested in. Now in the space of 2 weeks, I’ve been on a ‘maybe’ date, and been hit on by 2 more guys one of whom was fascinating. Wow. When it rains it pours!

{March 3, 2010}   Moving in.. a direction.

It’s been a busy day, and will be a busier week. I need something, but until I know what I want I shouldn’t expect others to hand it to me. I was in an incredibly foul mood today, and had a killer headache to go with it. At least I have some free time coming to me this week, although some of it should be spent cleaning the house. Again. I swear even though it’s just me and the cat the mess in here piles up as though it’s a frat house.

If I could slow down my life and really examine it, would I? Do I want to know that I’ve procrastinated and wasted? That I could have been more, done more by now? Another topic for another day perhaps.

I think my biggest problem is focus. I like all things artsy and creative (well not all – there’s a lot). I paint, write, play guitar and piano, sing and do theatre – all aspects – and don’t leave myself the time to put in the 10,000 hours necessary to perfect one area. It leaves me in the happy/unhappy position of being sort of good at a lot of things, just not excellent in any one thing.

If I were to write a book about my life so far, even I wouldn’t read it. Time for some new adventures I think. Any suggestions?

et cetera