When visions shift

Things have changed. A lot. I am now dating Mr. Is-it-a-date-isn’t-it-a-date. We’ve been dating almost a year now. Still. Things are up in the air. I know what I want, and I don’t know what he wants. Does it always feel like this? Can someone tell me please?

In other news I started writing again, not that I’m going to post it here. At least not yet. I need time to… clean it out before I post anything, and by that I don’t mean clean up the language (although there is that too) I just mean I want to de-content it so it’s not identifiable. I’ve been writing my own biography… and it’s more intense than I thought.

I just thought before trying to write someone else’s story I should get mine out of the way. It seems to be working that way anyways. You’ll be seeing a lot more of me on here in the next while I think. I have some things to process, and this seems to help.

I’ve lived in the same town my whole life. Is that weird? There are people here who, literally, have known me my whole life. Seems strange. Everyone moves at some point, but I seem stuck. Like I can’t pass the level on the video game I’m playing that’ll let me move on. Ever feel stuck like that?

But now for the title. When visions shift. I get it, it makes no sense for what you’ve read so far, so why would I choose it? Well I’ve recently had a vision shift that changed my point of view… or at least I’m working hard to hold onto the shift, and subsequently the POV.
I’m a traditionalist. I want to get married and have kids. I’m 31, it’s about that time. My boyfriend also wants to get married… he’s not terribly sure about the kids thing, but he’s leaning for it not away from it, so that’s something.

So what’s the problem? ‘That’s what she said.’ – sorry, inside joke.
The problem is, he’s just… not ready? not the right time? not sure? I don’t know. I had it in my head when we first started dating that we would be getting engaged around new years and hitched on our one year anniversary (yes guys, girls actually think like this – some of us are planners, and can’t help it). Then, when that didn’t happen and we started to find some of our issues (me nitpicking to get him to talk) I started thinking we’d get engaged at our one year anniversary and get hitched in the fall (yes, again – totally my fault). None of this was really discussed with him, I had just decided that it was what we’d do. Now? Now I’m working without a net. We had a long talk (with a lot of tears on my part, as delayed dreams hurt) and I’ve decided to wait. Wait until he’s ready. No time frame, no ultimatums. Just patience. It’s hard.

My friends made fun of me last year for panicking on our trip to a larger city, because we didn’t have a map. “Map Girl” became my nickname, with good cause. I like to plan. I like to map things out, so I know where I’m headed next. This is completely unfamiliar territory for me. I hope to God he knows what he’s doing. Because at this point, my heart is on the line and I don’t know how I’ll deal with it if he decides this isn’t what he wants after all.